Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.



Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.



Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets none.



Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.



Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.



P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.



Broker - Poorer than you were last year.



"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.



Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.



Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.



Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.



Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.



Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.



Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.



Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.



Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.